Let's face it, most of us who are at all active sooner or later encounter some type of performance food. Whether it be a protein bar grabbed on the way to a mountain summit, a packet of gunk slugged down to get you through the last 4 of a 20-miler, or a 'recovery drink' consumed immediately after a race, we've all experienced part of what has become a multi-million dollar industry. Regardless of whether it was a bar, a shake, a drink, or what, I think we can all agree:
They just aren't very good.
It's not that they taste bad, per se; they're just...lacking. Take, for instance, this Clif Builder's Bar chocolate flavor protein bar I'm currently eyeing. I've been using these occasionally as a meal replacement; there's tons of protein, vitamins, minerals, etc. It looks fine...thick and sort of fudgy, not terrible. Let's try a bite. Initially, yum...the consistency is fine, it tastes sort of chocolatey at first blush. Then, the facial and glossopharyngeal nervous impulses reach the brain. This is when the yelling begins...
"STEVE!!! Hey, Steve! What the fuck?? The mouth specifically indicated chocolate! It told me fudge; thick, delicious, luscious fudge was coming. What is this shit? Soy protein isolate? Beet juice concentrate? Fucking organic brown rice syrup??" Needless to say, I have let down my brain. It started off with great expectations, and these were quickly and utterly quashed.
And, in a sense, it is right. I understand that the manufacturers of these things make them resemble foods we love for a reason. We are much more likely to consume something that we believe may taste good. Problem is, we nearly always end up with a big mouthful of disappointment. The aforementioned protein bar, while it superficially brings to mind a glorious chocolate, ends up being something more like compressed sawdust coated in vaguely chocolate-ish breading.
They are by no means the worst. Far from it. Remember graham cracker sandwiches? When your mom would make icing with powdered sugar and put it between two graham crackers? And if she used enough powdered sugar it would take on kind of an off-white color? Have you ever tried Vanilla Bean Gu? The consistency is a bit thicker, but I was still optimistic. What I got instead was off-brand runny vanilla pudding made by a spinster aunt who never had kids. I understand that it is supposed to give you a boost of energy and protein and so forth, but if I ate one of those during a workout, I truly believe I would be too dejected to go on.
And, while Sport Beans may be made by the manufacturers of Jelly Bellies, I am here to tell you that they are not made anywhere near where the jelly beans are, nor with any apparent attempt at making them similar in taste. Evaporated cane juice and tapioca syrup have no place in something masquerading as a sweet treat. Don't get me wrong, Sport Beans have their place. And that place is being used to prank someone you do not particularly like.
I understand that, from a fitness standpoint, these items are much better for you. Just keep your expectations low. And encourage your taste receptors to do the same.
