Some more random junk that spills from my admittedly skewed mind:
I was driving the other day and saw a semi trailer for Hy-Vee (a local grocery chain for those of you unfamiliar) that displayed pictures of three of their 140 registered dieticians. All three were slim, attractive women with names like "Ashley" and "Jill". What I'd like to see just once is a picture of a morbidly obese registered dietician named "Dwayne". Wouldn't that be awesome?
For those of us trying to drop a few pounds, the phrase "no pain, no gain" really makes it difficult to want to totally exert oneself while exercising.
I enjoy going to lectures and other intellectual pursuits. It seems that it is typical at events of this ilk for there to be a question-and-answer period at the end of the presentation. I think it would be tremendous if the lecturer took the opportunity to turn the tables and ask questions of the audience: "You. Yes, you there in the fourth row. Do you realize that you snorted up what I assume was the same gob of mucus every 40 seconds for my entire presentation? Thanks a lot, dickhead". Or "Hey. Old guy in the back. Did you enjoy my discourse on Kant's Categorical Imperative? You did? Because the fact that you slept through the entire fucking thing would seem to indicate otherwise".
Has there ever been a band that is better at titling their albums than Camper Van Beethoven? I mean, c'mon..."Telephone Free Landslide Victory"? "Vampire Can Mating Oven"? Honestly...
For those of you who have known me for a while, here's a classic:
Where I went to school, there were quite a few students from Iowa and Minnesota. Hence, we often engaged in the "Duck, Duck, Goose" vs. "Duck, Duck, Grey Duck" argument. Why? Well, we were probably high or something... Anyway, if you grew up in Iowa, it was the former; in Minnesota, the latter. My solution to the argument was to call the game "Duck, Duck, Fuck Off", and instead of a pat, a full-windup, open-handed slap would be administered to the cranium of the unfortunate victim. To any kids who may have become swept up by this phenomenon, my sincerest apologies.
I drove by a partially-constructed house the other day with a sign in front announcing that it was being built by Habitat for Humanity. Having seen several of these dwellings being built and having done some desultory work on one myself, I can say that it takes entirely too long to build one. They need to come up with some sort of modular design for these things, maybe made out of some sort of indestructible plastic. They could make it in different colors, ranging from clear to semi-opaque. Hallways would be built separately and be circular in shape. I can see it now...Habitrail for Humanity.
While at Toys R' Us the other day, I saw a display of a bunch of pink ATVs aimed at the age 4-9 female demographic. They featured a certain explorer who wears a shirt a size too small. The item was called the Dora Kid Quad. Naturally, the first thing I thought was how the Kid Quad could probably make your kid a quad fairly quickly.
Currently getting ready to re-paint the garage. Needless to say, this involves removal of the previously-applied layers of paint. Imagine my chagrin when I discovered that "Stripper in a Can" is nothing like what it sounds.
Was at the Des Moines Kennel Club dog show a few weeks ago. At one point, they were showing Soft-coated Wheaten Terriers in one ring and Briards in another. Which got me thinking...if you bred those two, would you get a Wheatard?
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