As an American, I consider it my duty to take part in the electoral process as much as I can. Thus, with thoughts of political bliss and civil discourse running through my head, I went off to my precinct caucus.
In retrospect, I suppose I should have seen the Perry and Santorum campaign signs littering the sidewalks leading up to the elementary school where I caucus as a harbinger of things to come. I was greeted at the door by supporters of those two persons, as well as by a stout young man who had pledged allegiance to Newt, and several college-age hangers-on to the Ron Paul caboose. I discovered that three precincts were in the cafeteria, while four others, including mine, were meeting in the gym. Thither I went.
In the gym, surrounded by posters of stick people illustrating various gymnastic poses for the benefit of second graders, we got our instructions from Ralph, our precinct leader. We swiftly and unanimously voted to allow him to retain his position. As secretary, he proposed the pert young Floridian from the Paul campaign who was checking IDs; we had no issue with this. We then arose and spoke the Pledge of Allegiance in unison. This was the last thing upon which we agreed all night.
It was then time for the Parade of Flakes, AKA allowing someone to speak for each candidate. First off, Ralph asked if anyone was there to speak on behalf of Michele Bachmann. No one volunteered immediately; finally an older lady in heavy makeup stood and announced that she was going to support the Waterloo native and certified batshit insane harridan because "it was time for a woman in the White House and she couldn't do a worse job than the men". While I have no effective rejoinder to that argument, it isn't exactly one that inspires undying loyalty and fervent admiration. It was sort of the "Well, Glee is in reruns, so I guess I'll watch C-Span for a couple minutes" argument. It is the boiled peas of political rhetoric. Bland and insipid, but it'll do in a pinch.
Next up was Greg (I think; he mumbled his name as though it caused he and his family a great deal of shame). He was from New York and was unemployed (technically, whatever that means), and he thought Newt Gingrich was just swell. He couldn't tell us why, exactly. But he knew that Newt is a leader. And he has experience. Again, detail as to the exact nature of his experience was lacking. He would help the economy. Apparently by leading it through his experience. "Greg" then looked befuddled and sat down.
Then we had our good buddy Ralph. He talked about meeting Ron Paul back in the 80s when he was an actual Libertarian (okay, he didn't say 'actual'. He said that he met Ron Paul back when he ran as a Libertarian. In other words, when he had actual ideas and said something new and different). Ralph thought that Ron Paul (he kept referring to him as Dr. Paul instead of Congressman Paul or Rep Paul, as though that would more inspire us to support him. I thought this akin to referring to your proctologist as "Reverend" just because he also happens to have a D.Div...)
Anyhow, Ralph thought it was neat that Dr Paul voted against the wars in which we're currently embroiled. He also made the point that he was the only candidate who voted against the war. Also, he's a Libertarian and thinks freedom is super-duper. Unless, of course, you want to have certain civil freedoms. Then...well, Dr Paul just doesn't quite see eye-to-eye with you. But, in his defense, he is kinda short...
Batting cleanup was Glen (maybe...what is it with these people and glossing over their names?) from Dripping Springs, Texas. He was a very nice man who also happens to be a combat medic and veteran of two tours in Iraq. He has known Governor Perry for quite a number of years, and drove up to Iowa on his vacation (my condolences, Glen) to talk to us all about what a great guy he is. He missed his wife's birthday to be here with us, because his wife told him to go. Seems that his daughter was born nine days before he was deployed, and his wife reported to him that, of all the people who said they'd call or check in on her while Glen was deployed, only two did. One was Rick Perry. Glen then went on to say that what mattered to him was not what you said you could do, but what you had done. For instance, Governor Perry created over half of all jobs created in the US jobs in Texas while he was governor. All by himself! A bit of research shows that this number is somewhat misleading, but I was willing to give Glen the benefit of the doubt. But then he went on to talk about how they defunded Planned Parenthood. So all the abortions dried up. Not really... And how we, as Conservatives (not Republicans, in whose caucus I had thought I was participating) really should vote for someone with morals, with principles. I liked Glen, and could have almost gone along with him if I didn't think Rick Perry was kind of a weasel. A principled weasel, but a weasel nonetheless.
That would be a tough act to follow. However, Ponytail Guy for Santorum blew him out of the water. First, Ponytail Guy for Santorum (hereinafter abbreviated PGFS) addressed us as Conservatives (again with a capital 'C'). And told us that we should stop worrying about who's 'electable', and instead focus on who likes God the most. Now, I like God. He's a pretty awesome Supreme Being. But I don't really think that someone's relationship with Him is what most makes him (or her...sorry, heavily made-up lady for Bachmann!) presidential timber. PGFS then shared with us the story about Benjamin Franklin at the Constitutional Convention and how he finally decided that the sun carved on the President's chair was rising and not setting, and how this somehow indicated that God was on our side. I so wanted to share with him a quote from Franklin; apparently, he espoused rather a convenient view of organized religion: "I have ever let others enjoy their religious sentiments, without reflecting on them for those that appeared to me unsupportable and even absurd. All sects here, and we have a great variety, have experienced my good will in assisting them with subscriptions for building their new places of worship; and, as I never opposed any of their doctrines, I hope to go out of the world in peace with them all." While I am all for anyone and everyone having their own relationship with God, in no way does their espousal of one faith over another make them a better person or a better leader. In my book, anyway. PGFS said a bunch of other stuff, but I was busy talking with the earnest young Paul supporter next to me about the Deism of the Founding Fathers and tuned him out.
Next, a tattooed gentleman in a bivy sweater and holding a ridiculous Australian bush hat, stood up and took exception with PGFS's idea that electability should be a non-starter. Then some dolt in a thermal henley took exception with Bush Hat's exception. Then some bearded dude reminded us that, despite all our differences, we were all there because we didn't want Obama to be president anymore ("Unless we nominate Perry. Or Bachmann. Or Santorum, " I silently added). He was simultaneously applauded and shouted down. This struck me as odd. Then a gentleman in a Yankees cap stood up and announced that he was a trucker and that his colleagues were getting stopped in Minnesota and getting tickets because their loads weren't hitched right. I was at a loss as to how this related to anything we had discussed up to this point. Someone else pointed out that, even though Ron Paul was the only candidate to vote against the war, he was one of only three who would have had an opportunity to do so. Incidentally, this person did not refer to him as Dr. Paul. "Greg" and Glen came out and stood with PGFS in a rare show of solidarity. There they stood, the three (relatively clueless) amigos, watching as Ralph announced it was time to vote. No one spoke for Romney. No one was given an opportunity to speak for Huntsman, Roemer, Cain, or Karger. Being a perverse sort, I pointed this out to him, and told him that I had been willing to speak on behalf of Huntsman. He was abashed, but the ballots had already been collected. They asked for someone representing each campaign to certify the ballot count. What the hell? I told 'em I was there to represent Huntsman, Karger, Cain, et al. The disenfranchised. Ron Paul won with over half the votes (he got 25). Perry had 9, Santorum 6. Huntsman got 1 (mine). I was appalled at the number of misspellings; two of the three voters for Bachmann spelled her first name with two 'l's. The remaining one cast their vote for "Michele Bachman". That's right...of the three who voted for her, not one spelled her entire name right. I saw at least three spellings of "Santorum" (although I assume that PGFS spelled it right, at least). Someone voted for "Rick Parry"...
Where did we go wrong? When did we, as an electorate, become so mean and stupid and easily-led? I don't know quite what this means, but I know I don't like it...
As post script...
I wandered around to the other precincts after we were done. Turns out that I was the only person in the entire building who voted for Huntsman. Herman fucking Cain got two votes.
Update...as of now, Rick Santorum has a slight lead over Mitt Romney. Rick Santorum? Fuck this...I'm going to bed.
Oh my gosh. This is freaking hilarious. Haven't laughed so hard in eons.
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