Be warned...this post may well encourage behavior that is questionable as best; illegal at worst. Additionally, it dispenses potentially criminally irresponsible medical advice that I am in no wise qualified to give.
With that said, it's time to embark on another entry in this here blog.
I was out for a run the other day and was approaching a crosswalk. I was cooking right along at a 9:45 pace and definitely had a green light. Ahead, I could see some cretin in a vehicle way larger than he had any right to be driving creeping out into the crosswalk, ostensibly with the intention of turning right on red. He was looking hawkishly to his left, which naturally meant that no one was coming from his right. In defense of the dolt, it was a one-way street; however, such rules do not apply to pedestrians. Needless to say, the minute I stepped foot into the crosswalk, the cretin went to complete his turn. His bumper nearly impacted my right knee, which caused me to put my hands on his vehicle in an attempt to keep myself from falling. Of course, he was incredibly solicitous, exiting his vehicle, inquiring after my well-being and asking if there was anything he could do.
Right. The dipshit turned in his seat and made several rude gestures at me while shouting imprecations. He then peeled out into the intersection and took off. Well played, sir.
This is not the first time this has happened to me. So I started thinking, "I need an insult that will express my dissatisfaction of these peoples' grasp of traffic laws while simultaneously conveying my utter contempt for them as human beings". So here's what I recommend doing.
Wave your dick at 'em.*
That's right...give 'em a groin greeting, a sausage salutation, a hairy how's-your-father. Let them know exactly how you feel about their worth as humans. Don't be shy. Make up a little dick-waving dance and incorporate that into your routine. Sing a song, make it your own. I just plant the seed, so to speak, you make this penile plant grow and flourish.
Ladies, I realize that this reaction largely leaves you at a loss, and for that I apologize. I can only suggest that, if you are unable to obtain some sort of prosthetic male apparatus (which, when you combine the shock value and sheer chutzpah required to make it work can only make me say, "Fuck, yes"), you devise a similar response using any materials at hand. You can figure it out, I'm sure.
*-Please note: Dick-waving may be a direct violation of applicable federal, state, county, or municipal statutes. Please consult your attorney before embarking on any regimen that involves such activities. The author of this blog post makes no warranty with regard to the legality of these activities, nor can he be held responsible for any outcomes related thereto. He assumes that the publisher of this blog feels likewise. Dear readers, I don't want anything bad to happen because you followed my advice, so be careful. I care about you. Both of you.
So I've talked to many people who have tried to quit something addictive: smoking, heroin, etc. I have tried unsuccessfully several times to kick my caffeine habit. No matter how hard I try, though, the withdrawal symptoms always get me in the end. The headaches are bad enough, but combine that with the irritability and I become a truly world-class dickhead. For the sake of my sanity and that of those around me, I always cave. While reading a story about a guy recovering from life-threatening injuries sustained in an accident, the perfect quitting regimen occurred to me*:
Medically-induced comas. They do it for trauma victims, why not for those trying to better their health by kicking a potentially dangerous habit. I mean, what's the worst part of quitting? The physical withdrawal symptoms, of course. Keep yourself asleep for a week, let all the bad stuff leave your body and bam!, you awaken a new person. Please keep in mind that most insurance companies will probably not cover this sort of therapy, so it's gonna cost. Otherwise, find yourself an ethically ambiguous physician, and coma your way to success!
*-Please note, the author is in no way, shape, or form, qualified to give medical advice. The strategy outlined above is irresponsible, ethically questionable, and most likely extremely dangerous. Do us all a favor and use willpower instead, 'kay? Thanks!
No comments:
Post a Comment