Random Expulsions

Here's a bunch of the kinds of things that occur to me as I'm running:

Guys, I hate to tell you this, but there are certain among us that simply should not run shirtless.  I am well aware that I am one of them.  Please understand, however, that you may be one, too.  If so, please adjust your wardrobe accordingly.  For instance, if you take off your shirt and someone says, "Hey man, nice sweater vest", this is an indication that you should keep your shirt on.  Likewise, if your skin is pale to the point that your naked torso resembles nothing quite so much as a strangely-shaped marshmallow, please run fully clothed.  Or at least get a tan, first...

I was running the other day when the leg elastic on the mesh inner liner of my shorts broke.  After a few steps, I found myself thinking, "Huh.  So this is what a thong feels like".


I run a lot in cemeteries and along greenbelts, so I see a fair amount of wildlife.  One thing I have never seen, though, is a baby squirrel.  This leads me to the inescapable conclusion that all squirrels are born full-size.  This gives me a new respect for all the lady squirrels out there.


I will occasionally be asked by a new runner for any advice I can give them.  Having not shared heretofore, I do so now:

1)  If you feel like you need to go to the bathroom before a run, for the love of all that's holy, go to the damn bathroom.  Don't dither around, just do it.  Nothing makes a run go slower than the unique agony of having to go and being able to do nothing about it. Except listening to a running companion complain about how they have to.

2)  Do not set out trying to run with people who are a whole lot faster than you.  It is demoralizing, and it will make you feel inadequate.  Instead, try to find someone else who's just starting out.  It's always nice to have someone to improve with.

3)  Don't get ahead of yourself.  Nothing will make you want to quit running faster than trying to go farther or faster than you have any business going.  You will, however, try this.  You will feel awful.  You will want to quit.  Please don't.  The effort is worth the reward.  Eventually.

4) You will get endless tips and advice (kinda like this).  Here's the thing.  Only you can make you enjoy running.  Get yourself a decent pair of shoes, some good socks (this is *very* important), and some clothes that seem at least marginally acceptable for athletic activity.  After that, it's all you.  Decide you want to go, and go.  Pretty simple, really.  Have fun.


Here's a piece of advice applicable to any runner, regardless of skill level or experience.  If, for whatever reason you decide you need to incorporate bike workouts into your fitness regimen, I recommend not biking along the same routes you run.  This will inevitably be entirely demoralizing; I cannot imagine a worse feeling than reaching a point, say 4 miles into your route where you would normally turn around if you were running, looking down at your watch and noting that you covered the same distance on your bike in less than 10 minutes.

I want to know just who decided that lima beans should be a part of mixed vegetables.  I have no quarrel with any of the other selections:  Corn, fine; peas, absolutely; carrots, you betcha; even green beans are okay.  But then we have the fucking lima bean, that most insipid member of the legume family.  There are very few things on earth quite so unappealing, so disappointing as a lima bean.  It is the round steak of the vegetable world; you'll eat it if you have to, but you're not gonna like it and you'll spend your time wishing it was something else.

Lately, there seems to be some debate about whether shoes are good for running.  A more and more vocal minority has appeared, clamoring for us to leave behind the binding limitations of our Asics, our Nikes, indeed, even our goofy Vibram foot-glove things, and let out piggies truly run free.  As part of their argument, they point to studies showing that, as running shoes have developed, more and more injuries are occurring.  I will not dispute these findings, but I believe further inquiry is warranted.  Are many of these injuries suffered by people who would have not even tried running were the shoes not so advanced?  People who, after a couple days' running foolishly  decide to really stretch themselves out distance-wise and suffer an injury.  People who, when coming back from another injury push themselves too far, too fast, believing that their super-cushioned shoes will prevent any further damage?  I have often said that anyone can run, and I firmly believe this.  However, given the amount of hopeless dolts out there, perhaps not everyone should run...